Thank You For Your Attention

Everytime you drive like a jackass

2008-09-04T21:11:35Z

a kitten loses its soul. FYI

Throw Your Crap Away

2008-09-03T23:00:31Z

Look, if you don't want something anymore, put it in a garbage can. Don't set your half-empty coke can in a public planter. Don't leave the dregs of your coffee on a newspaper box. And, for God's sake, don't make a pile of old, broken crap on your front curb and put up a sign saying "Free. Please Take." Seriously, how stupid do you think we are?

Kolchak is no Gen'emen

2008-04-11T21:18:41Z

I've been enjoying Kolchak: The Nightstalker on dvd and, watching the second made-for-tv movie that immediately preceded the actual series, I have determined that Kolchak is, in fact, no gentleman. Even aside from the random misogyny (older women are gross, etc), which is easy to write off as Richard Matheson's charm shining through his script, Kolchak deliberately puts the only person who's nice to him in danger, having her walk dark streets at 3am in order to lure out an elusive, supernatural, serial killer. Now, I know the point of the show is that he's an egotistical jackass and that it is more important for him to be right than helpful, but, seriously, what the hell? While I was watching the movie, all of his contemporary, crime fighting colleagues were disgustedly criticizing him in my head: Kojak, Jim Rockford, McCloud, and Columbo, who reported that his wife had some opinions on the matter. And don't even ask Batman what he thinks about all this.

RSVP already!

2008-01-26T00:37:34Z

Even if you are sure they know you are coming. It saves everyone a lot of hassle.

You have the power

2007-08-18T07:02:13Z

to not be an asshole today. It's up to us!

vegetarian marshmallows exist.

2007-07-05T23:01:32Z

Vegansweets makes 'em and you can order on-line. Get schmorein' already!

Help Old People Stuck in Traffic!

2007-03-30T04:26:38Z

JESUS CHRIST YOU PEOPLE: forming a line on opposite sides of the road like marathon observers and shouting "Are you okay?" or HONKING YOUR HORN does not count as "help." Dude's in the middle of the road WITH A WALKER and his legs are SHAKING with palsy and I'm sprinting for two blocks thinking, "Surely, by the time I get there someone will have already helped him." Three guesses if that happened.
Can you understand why I'm YELLING?

Urban Decay nailpolish is really chippy.

2007-02-22T06:35:40Z

I can't recommend it. 'Cept maybe for your toes.

Fill in the back of the streetcar.

2007-02-14T23:42:08Z

It's really cold out. Like, really, really cold. That means lots of us want to use public transportation. That also means that a lot of us have to wait, in the very same cold, for said transportation. I watched three apparently packed streetcars pass me this afternoon, only to see that their butts were totally empty. Once I finally got on board one and, yup, moved through all the people clustered around the back door to the back of the car, everyone stared and disapproved. Look, we're all going to the station, right? Get out of the way so those poor schmoes at the next stop can get on the car. There's lots of room. You will still be able to get off at your stop. The worst that will happen is that you have to ask people to get out of your way so that you can exit. But you know what? They'll move. Talking to other people to express your needs and wants? Try it sometime. In the meantime, make some room for the frozen. On your return trip, that'll be you.

Extreme Cold Weather Alerts are for YOU!

2007-02-06T03:46:16Z

They aren't just something that justifies forcibly dragging homeless people off the street, as y'all seem to think. They are about everyone. Stop running around like everything is normal, 'cause it's not. IT'S EXTREMELY COLD! As in, "dangerous."
Having said that, why did I have to go in and teach today in the middle of a blizzard? Stupid U of T.

February is the longest month of the year.

2007-02-05T00:04:13Z

It's a fact.
Don't be dissuaded when people are like, "No, February is the shortest month because it has the fewest days." They have no idea what they are talking about. Look into your sad, grey heart and know that this is true.

If you can enbalm in Detroit

2006-12-19T00:42:12Z

you can enbalm anywhere!

I Broke a Board With My Foot!

2006-12-15T05:36:17Z

How did I do it? Chop kick, baby!

My Body, My Choice, Goddamnit.

2006-11-02T19:30:45Z

Stop telling each other what to do in the name of feminism! Feminism is about living your life the way you want to and allowing others to do the same. So get off the body fascism, already.

It's just as okay to wear short skirts as overalls. It's just as okay to wear bubblegum lip gloss as to never wear make up. It's just as okay to be monogamous as it is to be poly. It's just as okay to shave your legs as to never shave your mustache. Hell, it's okay to meet your stockbroker husband at the door to your suburban bungalow while wearing nothing but saran-wrap, as long as it's what you really want.

Feminism means I can wax and dye my public hair into a BIG PINK HEART if I damn well please.

It's okay to like what you like

2006-09-24T22:43:55Z

Look, I don't like bat guano on my burgers (despite what you may have heard), but it's nothing off me if you do. Good for you! Just because other people tell you your comics are stupid, or your science fiction show is tedious, or wearing makeup makes you too femmy, doesn't make it objective truth. Tasty to you may not be tasty to me, but that doesn't mean it's not tasty.

Gelatin is made of bones

2006-09-09T23:40:15Z

and other animal tissue:

http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?va=gelatin

While there are vegetarian substitutes, you have to seek them out special and they are labeled as such on ingredients lists. Lecithin is also not vegetarian unless labeled as "soy lecithin." Otherwise, it is made of, you guessed it, animal tissue.

All this is well and good if you eat meat. If you identify as a vegetarian, however, you really shouldn't be eating gummy products or marshmallows. Especially not if you are the kind of vegetarian that bemoans the "lack of will" to be vegan or who gives your honest meat-eating friends a hard time.

Look, ignorance is vegan, but hypocrisy is half-assed.

A one-way street is just that

2006-08-25T20:00:34Z

Driving in reverse down a one-way street obeys neither the spirit nor the law of the sign. It's not about what way your car is pointing. It's about the direction in which your car is traveling, or barreling down, as the case may be.

Rubin "The Hurricane" Carter used to live up the street from me. When he wanted to go the opposite way from The One, he would just pull out of his drive-way and go the wrong way. This action allowed him to watch for kids and bikes and to avoid on-coming vehicles in a way that is impossible for people driving in reverse.

Driving backwards down a one-way street is half-assed and really, really stupid. You make it dangerous for yourself and others. Going super fast does not solve the problem, either. Schmucks who speed backwards down the street because they want to pretend they are doing nothing bad and, at the same time, want to get the not-happening badness over as quickly as possible, are fools.

If you really want to go the other way and just cannot bear the thought of going around the block, then suck it up and admit to yourself that you are breaking the law. If you really think a law is worth breaking, then just do it already! If you find yourself obfuscating your illegal actions and rationalizing why you aren't really breaking a law, then don't do it in the first place.

Women like nice people fine

2006-08-25T01:04:57Z

They just don't want to date you because you are whiny. If you find yourself lecturing some unfortunate soul about how you can't get any because women don't like nice guys/ men/ boys/ bois/ butches/ whatever, you are not nice. You are annoying. Would a nice person harangue someone else about not having sex with them, in some hardly subtle, coded way? Nope. They wouldn't. Take your repressive misogyny, lack of self-esteem, and perverse sense of entitlement somewhere else before I kick you.

Never ask a Canadian how you spell "Tijuana."

2006-08-15T05:38:13Z

It just turns out bad.

Leave a message

2006-08-05T00:00:46Z

How can anyone call you back if you don't leave a message?

Also, if it means a lot to you that they call back, be explicit about that in your message. Don't just say, "uh, I called." Say instead, "Hi, it's me. Gimme a call back when you get a chance," or "Call me back right away because I have Robosaurus tickets for tonight!" or whatever fits your situation. Don't just mope that no one ever returns your calls. If there's one thing that makes it especially unlikely that anyone will call you, it's sulking that no one ever does.

Skin-flinting bites ass

2006-08-03T23:34:29Z

Stop being such cheap-ass motherfuckers.

Okay, so there are a bunch of people reading this who are like, "Weed means me, but Weed just doesn't understand my special situation and need for cheap-assedness." To this I reply, "Yes, I mean you," and the following:

We are all bad off financially. It is the nature of opting for the Muppet lifestyle. You are just like everyone else and not special. If you feel sheepish about not sharing the last of your box of cereal, about eating pizza even though you didn't pitch in for it, or about welching on promises with recourse to, "I forgot I was poor right now," that is the part of you that knows that this behavior is shameful. Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He is a cool guy. He's trying to help you out.

This skin-flinting bullshit is not the tao of cool. It is really horrible. Being generous with your friends is the most important job you have. I've probablly spent my last five dollars on you. Repeatedly.

Are *you* prepared to give your last five bucks to the Homestarmy?

Drink more water

2006-08-01T21:49:16Z

Dehydration is the root of all evil.

Side effects include thirstiness, headaches, irritablity, dizziness, head-rushes, dopiness or inability to focus, and concentrated urine, which, incidentally, puts you at increased risk for urinary tract infections, which, in turn, suck a lot.

Drive Like You Mean It

2006-07-28T20:55:01Z

It is a mistake to drive with trepidation. It does not increase your safety, but instead endangers you, the drivers around you, cyclists, and pedestrians.

If you are uncertain as to whether a particular maneuver is safe, do not attempt it. If you are turning left, do so in a timely manner and with minimal fuss. At a four-way stop, right of way yields to the driver on the right. Turns in either direction always yield to pedestrians. If a pedestrian or cyclist is in the middle of the street between crossings, stop for them if it is at all safe to do so. It is inconsequential who has the right of way in a situation like this. Always yield to the party that can be killed.

Do not make your driving insecurities my problem.

They Read Your (E)mail

2006-07-27T04:13:11Z

It is remarkably foolhardy to discuss illicit activities over the electronic mail. As the venerable Dr. Carolius teaches, "Cool kids are paranoid," especially about The Man.

Don't, for example, mention to your friend over email that you are having a party and that, say, a nice dealer will be there, so, you know, if he's still looking for a source, he could stop by your house tonight sometime between 7 and 9.

It's just stupid.

You Need Sleep

2006-07-25T05:58:40Z

It's when your brain puts itself back together.